Talking Turkey
by Thel
Summary: The team discusses their worst Christmas dinners and exchange presents while stuck offworld on Christmas day.


**Title**: Talking Turkey  
**Feedback**: Love some.  Here or at kethe@hotmail.com

**Rating**: G  
**Category**: Christmas Challenge

**Status**: Complete  
**Season/Spoilers**: none that I could find save for a bit of dialogue.   
**Challenge**: From Ozymandia on the SG1HC list (and has been posted there first).  Write a gen Christmas fic that included an unusual Christmas dinner that someone decides to cook for the rest of the team and their reactions to it.  Someone has to receive a present that they hate, but that the giver thinks they will love.

**Notes**: Nobody betaed this, so all mistakes are mine.  :)  Hope I got it right!  My first attempt at a challenge response.

"…and the _biggest_ turkey I'd ever seen.  All the trimmings, all the extras.  This amazing potato casserole.  Heart attack on a plate!  Cheese, sour cream, soup mix, potatoes, onions and olive oil.  I swear, my arteries clogged just looking at it!"

"I _hate_ you, Carter."

"Sir!"  Sam exclaimed with a smile.  Daniel gave a half-grin and looked down.  Teal'c simply lifted an eyebrow.  "The object of this little exercise was to detail some of the best Christmas dinners that we've had.  Your tale of breaded small-mouth bass fillets with lemon was pretty mouth-watering…"

"So… I hate me, too."  Jack grouched.  He crouched on his haunches and poked the fire, giving the bubbling pot a critical once over before dropping back into a seated position.

"Well."  Daniel began, eyebrows up.  "Perhaps we should tell about our worst Christmas dinners.  Maybe that will make you feel better about this, Jack."

'This' was P9X-882.  Time, tide and Tok'ra wait for no man… and certainly no simple human comforts like a holiday.  They'd been hauled out to the ends of the universe (literally) and been told to wait until the Tok'ra contacted them.  Apparently, amazingly, the Tok'ra were sharing some technology… technology that, for reasons known only to the Tok'ra, they couldn't bring directly to the SGC themselves.

That was bad enough.  The SGC had tried to compensate as only the military could, with special holiday MREs.  The main course was 'turkey', although it had the smell and texture of 'miscellaneous chicken bits'.  Wonder of wonders, there was even stuffing and a small packet of what they could only assume was cranberry sauce.  As much as once could be said to be looking forward to this sort of dinner, they were actually looking forward to their first off-world Christmas meal.

Then… **It** happened.  The **Event** was stamped in their collective memories for all time.  They had warmed a packet of gravy, at least it was labelled gravy, and poured it on the turkey.  It was Daniel who had noticed the first chunks in the gravy, and had investigated.  As it turned out, the chunks were peanuts, and the 'gravy' was in fact, mislabelled peanut butter.

Daniel tried to insist that peanut-chicken was quite a popular dish in some cultures, but not even he was brave enough to try it.  Teal'c had taken a tentative sniff, and then informed everyone that his symbiote was indeed strong, but not invulnerable.  Carter put her hands up and deferred to Jack's more 'experienced' palette.  As commanding officer, he really should eat first.  Daniel, with a wide, innocent look, agreed that, oh, definitely, the alpha male typically eats first.  It's a sign of respect from the rest of the pack.

He finally stopped when Jack used the stir spoon to smear peanut butter-gravy across the lenses of Daniel's glasses.  The archaeologist was off muttering entirely new waspish asides for a full half hour as he tried to scrape peanut butter out of all the nooks and crannies of his glasses frames.  Even now, he twitched his nose occasionally and swore he could still smell the stuff.

They still had the mashed potatoes.  Just add water and stir.  There were some freeze-dried beans as well.  Without the turkey though, nobody had the heart to try them.  They had rooted through their packs and surfaced with oatmeal.  It was apple and cinnamon.  For some reason, the military made really good oatmeal.  Perhaps, unlike almost every other MRE, oatmeal was perfect for the 'dry and reconstitute' school of cooking.

The team had voted unanimously to have porridge for Christmas, but had tried to compensate by telling 'good dinner' meals.  That had simply lead to most of the team becoming grouchy and bitter.

Jack considered Daniel's suggestion carefully.  "Worst Christmas dinner ever, huh?  I got a twist for you.  Worst Christmas dinner, with a happy ending.  Okay?  Who starts… Carter?"  He shot a glare at his second in command.

"Me, sir?"  Carter's mouth dropped open.  She cocked her head and considered.  "Uh… okay.  First Christmas away from home, I guess.  I was in college and money was tight.  I'd spent pretty much all my extra cash mailing presents home for dad and my brother.  We were supposed to head out to a professor's house for the Christmas meal.  He usually had four or five of his 'pet' students come by and share the meal."  She ducked her head and grinned.  "So, about three hours before we were supposed to set out, the skies opened and a storm started.  Everything shut down.  We couldn't go anywhere.  Our Christmas dinner was scrounged from everyone's pantries.  Our meat dish was canned corned beef.  Veggies were canned corn and frozen peas.  Our bread was hotdog buns."  A smile lit up her face.  "We played cards by candle-light and curled up in blankets when the power and heat went out.  To keep warm, we played charades and Twister.  It was a great night.  I don't think I ever laughed so much."

Daniel smiled absently.  He never had that kind of bond with any of his classmates.  There was always an age gap, and few of his peers could get past his immense abilities to see the shy young man on the inside.

"Twister."  Jack said with an evil grin.  "There's a nice party game.  Wonder if we could sneak one into our field kits."

Carter laughed, catching on.  "I'm quite sure it's against Air Force regulations, sir."

Daniel blinked owlishly.  "And if not, it should be."  He said, looking serious.

Jack cocked his head, looking thoughtful.  "Do we have some hidden Twister trauma, Danny-boy?"

Eyes on the pot of porridge, Daniel grinned.  "Quite the opposite, actually."  Everyone sat up a little straighter, exchanging glances and trying to calculate just how much liquor it would take to get Daniel to tell them _that_ particular gem.

"Daniel?"  Jack put a world of curiosity into those two syllables.

The archaeologist blinked and then pursed his lips.  "Oh… okay.  I have a 'worst meal, best friends' type of story."  Deliberately misunderstanding Jack's questioning tone, he settled back against his pack.  "I… uh, I was in Japan with a friend.  She'd been living there for a while."

"Friend?"  Jack asked, in the exact same tone he used only a moment before.

Teal'c turned to the Colonel.  "I believe that Daniel Jackson is speaking, O'Neill.  Is it not rude to interrupt?"

Daniel and Sam hid their laughs as Jack held up his hands.  He pointed at Daniel with a tilt of his head.  "Later."  He mouthed.

Daniel shrugged and continued.  "She knew some of the local families.  One of them invited us in for a Christmas dinner.  They had asked us all sorts of questions about Christmas dinners.  I don't know what we expected, but… well…"  He laughed softly to himself at the memory.  "Our Christmas dinner was a sort of traditional meal.  We each got these bento-style boxes.  Beautiful boxes in red and black lacquer.  We opened them up… sashimi."  He licked his lips and closed his eyes.  "Hoya.  Not even Japanese people like hoya."  He looked pained.  "I think it's sea squirt."  Sam's lips curled up.

"Ewww…"  Jack added helpfully.

"Gets better."  Daniel shuddered slightly.  "Breaded fish."  Jack made a 'not so bad' face.  Daniel explained.  "Breaded whole fish.  Heads, tails, bones… eyes.  Pickled baby squid.  Raw octopus."  Sam shook her head.  She was an old hand at sashimi.  That wasn't so bad.  Daniel had one last card to play.  "They were trying to mess with our minds.  It's the only reason that I can think of that they would have included natto in the meal."

"What is this natto?"  Teal'c asked.

"Well, Teal'c…  they take soy beans.  Harmless soy beans."

"Not so harmless… I've had your 'tofu surprise'."  Jack couldn't resist.

"I told you that if you mix equal parts wasabi and tofu, I'm not responsible for the results.  In any case, the soy beans are sealed up and fermented.  When they're ready, they have a slimy, stringy texture and they smell like…"  He stopped, his twenty-three languages obviously not up to explaining the smell of natto.

"Like what?"  Carter was caught in a horrified, train wreck kind of curiosity.

Daniel sighed.  "Well, basically… mastage droppings."  Daniel's face screwed up with disgust.  "Imagine a group of people trying desperately to make you at home, presenting you with a dish of small brown pellets in a sticky white slime that smells like…"

"Ahhh!"  Jack yelled, grimacing and waving his hands, as if trying to dispel a particularly nasty odour.  Sam was making an absolutely terrifying face and even Teal'c had frowned, contemplating.

Daniel's lightning quick grin flashed across his face and he stared at his shoes.  "But we actually ate it.  The trick is to not breathe, and to drink lots of sake.  Once we got past that, they were wonderful.  They taught us songs, we even made a New Year's charm out of rice straw ropes, little flags and a mandarin orange.  We had the traditional Christmas dessert… a huge strawberry shortcake.  It was a great night in the end."

"And on that note… soup's on, kids."

Teal'c arched an eyebrow.  "I was most looking forward to trying this… 'porridge', O'Neill."

"Just an expression, Teal'c."  Jack spooned out bowls of the thick oatmeal and everyone settled back.  Before they could start, Jack got to his feet and held up his canteen like it was a fine crystal goblet.  "Alright… before we start.  Although this is not the way I envisaged doing this, I can't think of a group of people I would rather spend this meal with.  We've been through a hell of a lot this year, and we made it through all of it together.  And frankly… that made it all worthwhile.  I'm a man of few words."  He gave a grand gesture, grinning.  Exchanging glances, Daniel and Sam smiled.  "And fewer friends."  Daniel looked up sharply, murmuring a negative.  Jack winked at him and continued.  "But what I lack in quantity, I make up for in quality.  Merry Christmas!"  He held up his canteen and completed the toast.  His team members echoed the movement, and his sentiments.

Jack dropped back to the ground and dug in to his food, effectively cutting off both Daniel and Carter as they tried to congratulate him on his kind words.  They took the hint and concentrated on their meals.  It was difficult to carry on a conversation around mouths full of thick oatmeal, so they sat in companionable silence.

When the meal was done, and the dished cleared away, the group once again stared at each other around the fire.  "Time for prezzies!"  Jack called, rooting around in his bag.  They had made an agreement when they found out that they would be offworld for Christmas.  They would each bring something small for the others.  In a few moments of organized chaos, they distributed their gifts and then opened them in turn, so that everyone could see what the others received.

Teal'c considered each present carefully before opening it, pausing to bow to the giver.  He got a packet of candies from Sam, a pocket edition of 'The Art of War' from Jack and some meditation candles from Daniel.  Sam cooed over everything as she worked the gifts out of their wrappers, giving everyone delighted grins.  She got a little bottle of hand-cream from Daniel, a hand-made clay bowl from Jack (which he refused to explain) and a small piece of Jaffa art fashioned into a brooch from Teal'c.  

Jack chuckled over his possessions, tearing enthusiastically into them, hurling the wadded up wrapping paper into the fire with the barest glance.  Daniel gave him a selection of lures.  Sam's present was a fine whetstone, perfect for a filleting knife, and Teal'c had acquired a selection of fishing lines in various weights.  

Daniel opened his gifts methodically, as if each one contained the most precious artifacts.  Sam had given him a box of cookies, lovingly packed and remarkably intact after the rough gate travel. Teal'c gave him two blank journals, the same kind he always used.  Jack's present was a heavy, perfectly balanced fountain pen.  Daniel sucked in his breath at it, but Jack waved off his thanks with a half-smile.

"And… for the final round…. Taa daa!"  Jack pulled out a paper bag.  "The darling doctor sent along little gifts for each of us."  He opened the bag and delved into it, re-emerging with wrapped packages and tossing them lightly to the appointed party.

Teal'c got a new sunhat to hide his brand in mixed company.  Sam got a little book on herbal remedies and Jack found a little jar of ointment perfect for sore knees.  Everyone looked up at Daniel's sound of outraged fury.

"She… it…  Why?"  He gasped incoherently.  Jack shuffled over and took a small, folded note from Daniel's unresisting fingers.

_Daniel… I know I've chased you enough about your sugar and caffeine intake.  These are great!  You'll love them!_

"Decaffeinated coffee and carob?"  Daniel's voice was about an octave higher with the sheer implausibility of it all.  "Carob??  Second rate, half-hearted chocolate wannabe?  Carob?"

"Whoa back, Danny-boy.  Carter… emergency supplies."  The second in command grinned and threw Jack a small, wrapped object.  Daniel was still fuming when Jack plucked the bag from his fingers and 'accidentally' dropped it into the fire.  "Whoops."  He pressed a bar of rich, real chocolate into Daniel's hand.  "Calm down… eat.  We made the mean lady go away.  You're safe now."  He patted Daniel's shoulder lightly.

The archaeologist made a face at him, somewhat muted by the chocolate bar between his teeth.  Within moments, he calmed, nibbling happily on his treat.

Chuckling, Sam looked over at her CO.  "So, sir, we haven't heard your story."

Jack grinned.  "Okay… this'll do.  First Christmas for me at home with Charlie.  Sara decides that we're gong to have a proper Christmas.  I was often away, or on assignment or some such, so we'd never gotten a chance to have a good sit-down dinner.  Of course, this means that Sara's never had to cook a real dinner before."

He shook his head.  "Long story short… everything that could go wrong went wrong.  We forgot to defrost the turkey, then Sara thought that maybe cooking it at a higher temperature would help cook it faster.  Ends up with the outside charred, inside frozen.  She forgot to take the bag of innards out of the bird too, so that was fun to find in the raw, goopy inside of a turkey amongst the completely uncooked stuffing."

"The mashed potatoes were overcooked and I used too much milk.  We nearly made potato soup.  I even burned the creamed corn and the bread never rose.  The whole thing was a scrapper.  We called the pizza place and shared a pie."  His smile turned soft.  "We sat on the floor and ate.  Charlie took his first steps that night, walking between us begging for bites of pizza.  I thought that life was as good as it could be."

Daniel touched Jack's shoulder softly.  Jack cleared his throat and nodded his head.  "Teal'c, my friend, your turn."

The large man lifted an eyebrow and thought.  Daniel caught the hint.  "Oh… Teal'c…  Jaffa don't celebrate Christmas.  We should have…"

Teal'c held up a hand.  "Nevertheless, Daniel Jackson.  I have a story to tell of a terrible Christmas meal shared with the best of friends."  Everyone looked up as he paused for effect.  "I was on P9X-882."  Daniel got it first and smiled.  "Our Christmas dinner was ruined by an unfortunate application of peanut butter in the place of gravy…"  He never finished the thought as the other three members of the team laughed out loud.

In the company of friends, even the darkest days seem brighter…


End file.
